Cartoons

Scooby Doo - Does it strike anyone else as eerie that Scooby can talk? It scares the hell out of me. I mean, every time I hear him speak, I wonder.....Was Scooby the result of some madman’s blasphemous attempt at creating life? Are the ghosts he chases really the ghosts of his own inhuman mind? Do I need to get out more?

He-Man - What can I say. Tall, blond, and buff (just like me!). Here on Earth he would be stripping for tips, but on Eternia he battles deformed animal-guys and delivers homilies on the value of cooperation. Location, location, location. One more interesting note, and that is his real identity: "Prince Adam". Now that’s a porn star name if I ever heard one!

Fred Flintstone - Ahhh the Flintstones. The animated version of The Honeymooners. I personally love the old re-runs of the Honeymooners, and I love the Flintstones as well. Good ol’ Fred, the animated version of Jackie Gleason. Stubborn, prone to aggressive behavior, schizophrenic delusions (only he could see Kazoo, remember?). But anyone who can live with live-animal appliances (who will on occasion give you lip) has my undying respect.

Johnny Bravo - Whoa mamma! You can’t help but like this guy. You also can’t help but to feel sorry for him. He suffers some sort of genetic condition which has stunted the development of his lower body. He has tried to overcome this by over-developing his upper-body, but this doesn’t make up for solid leg strength. Even though Johnny holds black belts in several forms of karate-do, he is easily defeated time and time again by much weaker opponent (usually a woman that has refused his advances). But the Elvis-voiced Tiger just doesn’t give up, and that's commendable.

The Jetsons - This cartoon gives us a glimpse of the future. Most people will agree that machines will eventually rise up and destroy their human creators (usually by unleashing some sort of nuclear holocaust). In the Jetsons’ future, machines have been a bit more subtle. Conveyor belts have made walking obsolete. Robots have made any sort of manual labor obsolete. Humans are free from having to do any kind of actual work, but this has made them weak. So weak, in fact, that the canine family of animals has risen up to challenge their once invincible masters. Astro has evolved to the point where he can :
A) Speak English (with a canine accent, perhaps there is some sort of Scooby-Astro conspiracy) ,
B) Walk erect, and C) Perform a number of complex tasks (such as operate a hovercar, no doubt a complicated vehicle) that were once exclusively human activities. Only time will tell when the downfall of man is complete and canines, together with their mechanized allies, will become heir to the earth and reign over humanity.

GI JOE Where to begin on this one? As an ex Army reserve soldier, I can honestly say that my military experience was nowhere near as cool as this cartoon. Invisi-jets? They don’t exist. Hover Tanks? No such thing. Remember the Thai twins that represented the "corporate face" of Cobra? No such animal. I don’t know whether or not to feel relieved or sad.