Forevor hold your peace

Ceremony
Wedding ceremonies can be as elaborate or simple as you want. From ornate churches with a horse drawn buggy to whisk you away to wedded bliss afterwards, to drive through wedding huts operated by the Nevada State Gaming Commission (where you can get a marriage license printed on an etch-a-sketch), the ceremony itself is only the beginning. I always thought that the ability to marry someone was the coolest thing a priest could do, short of exercising hell-spawned demons that is. But apparently, this privilege is not reserved solely for men of the cloth. Any notary public or justice of the peace can marry you. Hell, even Captain Picard once presided over a wedding ceremony! But as much as I like the good Captain, I think having photon torpedoes AND the ability to perform wedding ceremonies is just too much power for one man to wield.

Vows
This is pretty straightforward. The bride and groom tell each other just how much shit they will tolerate before they file for divorce. Even with a pre-nup, it’s good to get this out in the open right from the get-go. I don’t understand why people bother writing their own vows...almost every eventuality you could possibly encounter is covered by the standard issue vow; the ones we all have memorized from watching weddings in movies. I mean, after you vow to love each other "until death do you part", there isn’t much else you can add. Although I could imagine someone adding disclaimers to their vows such as "offer ends on the 31st. Void where prohibited. For official rules and details....."

Moment of Truth
This is where the priest/Elvis impersonator/starship captain ask if there is anyone who has any objections to the marriage. I wonder if a wedding has ever been stopped at this point just because someone in the crowd objected? Can anyone really just blurt out anything they want? Would that really void the wedding vows that were just exchanged, or just make you look like a total ass? Would the priest actually say "Well, since the gentleman in the back row thinks you are too good for him, I hereby void this marriage and wish you both the best of luck. Next time aim a little lower, dude".And when that tense moment is over, he pronounces you man and wife. You will only ever be pronounced two things in your entire life....married and dead...so make this count!

Reception
Free Food!! And if the newlyweds don’t have stingy parents, free booze! This is the fun part of the wedding; the part that’s going to be remembered. People dance. People sing. Bridesmaids get drunk. There isn’t really much else to say about the reception, unless I am invited. Then I feel it’s only fair to warn you to lock your daughters and hide the fried chicken!

Traditions
As if the bride doesn’t have enough to worry about on her big day, she now has to obtain 4 items: old, new, borrowed, and blue. I guess if her dress was new, and she could borrow someone’s old blue handkerchief, and that would cover all bases. But who uses a handkerchief anymore? And if they did, who keeps their old ones? Gross! As for garter belts....Nowhere else in society do you see religious covenants involving the flinging of female undergarments. I don’t understand how having the determination to snag women’s clothing out of the air makes a guy ready for marriage anymore than I know how shoving cake into your lover’s mouth signifies that you love them. But the most perplexing thing is lengths women will go to in order to catch the flower bouquet. If women would put half as much effort into solving the world’s problems as they did into catching that damned bouquet, we would have cured cancer and built houses on the moon a long time ago!