Hail to the Chief

George Washington
Not many people could lead an army while wearing a wig. Fewer still could do so and become president. First in both war and peace, ol’ George once bluffed the British (who both outnumbered and out gunned him) into surrendering a battle without firing a shot. Imagine playing poker with him! After he became president, he told our...God I feel dirty saying this.....French allies (shudder) to go fuck themselves. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why this has NOT become a tradition for every president since...Imagine if it was part of the presidential oath! "I do solemnly swear, that the French are a bunch of cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys, and that they can go fuck themselves! So help me God!"

Theodore Roosevelt
The best president by far. During his lifetime, he was a cowboy, explorer, war hero (he won the Congressional Medal of Honor), Nobel peace prize winner, martial artists (he studied judo), and President. The only reason he wasn’t an astronaut is that Spaceflight had not been invented yet. While I have nothing against Washington, Lincoln, or Jefferson, I think Mt. Rushmore should be one giant statue of Roosevelt. And not just standing there either, he should be playing guitar while making out with a hot NFL cheerleader. Because that is TOTALLY what he would be doing if he were alive today! Rock on, Teddy!

Dwight D. Eisenhower
Despite having the nerdiest first name of any president (with the possible exception of Grover Cleveland), Ike really made this country what it is today. We can thank him for a successful invasion of Normandy (and ultimately, our victory over Nazi Germany),the interstate highway system, and the first civil rights bills. His warning about the "military-industrial complex" was more than a bit unsettling though. Just like the way hot dogs are made, there are some things we’re better off not knowing.

Jimmy Carter
Carter was a homespun southern democrat, complete with Southern drawl, which gave him all the credibility of a Countrytime Iced Tea spokesman. His presidency oversaw the reprehensible handling of the Iranian hostage crisis, and gave millions of dollars to aid the the Afghan mujahadeen (talk about your all time backfires!) To his credit, he did negotiate a peace deal between Israel and Egypt, and by "negotiate" I mean he showed up. What everyone probably remembers most, however, is "Billy Beer"....this God-awful tasting beer brewed by his brother, Billy. I would be embarrassed if the most memorable aspect of my presidency was some shitty beer my redneck brother was hawking. But anyone who has been to Georgia can see, embarrassment is a completely foreign concept.

George W. Bush
Good god, where do I begin? His controversial presidency started off amidst rumors of ballot scandal in my former home, Palm Beach County, FL. "Hanging Chad" sounds an awful lot like a developmentally challenged 4th grader who thinks he is a monkey... And while Bush showed a tremendous leadership following Sept. 11, he showed the world how NOT to run a war with the invasion of Iraq. "Shock and Awe" was more like "Shock and Aw, shucks"! I am not sure who is a bigger slacker... Dub-ya, with an “C” average Ivy League history degree and the lowest acceptable passing score at flight school; or this guy I knew in college whose entire life's goal was to own all of Buffy on DVD, and he already had the first season.