MC Hammer
Stanley Kirk Burrell, aka M.C. Hammer, Hammer, or Hammertime. His decrease in popularity was directly proportional to the number of times he changed his name. Hammer may have been too legit to quit; but not, apparently, too legit to pitch British Knights shoes. Fame is a fickle bitch, and we can all learn a very important lesson from Hammertime…no matter where you are in life, it never hurts to have a diversified investment portfolio.
Prince
Prince Rogers Nelson, aka the artist formerly known as popular. He changed his name to a symbol which bears a canny resemblance to the path that positrons take in a high-speed nuclear impact, or, for the less educated, the hobo sign for danger. This guy was just weird for the sake of weird; there must have been some kind of brain disease going around in the 90’s… one that made people think the “Macarena” was cool and caused Madonna to charge $50 for shitty self indulgent soft-core porn.
P. Diddy
Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka P. Diddy…is just the latest in a long line of famous Puffs, following in the footsteps of such trailblazers as: Puff the Magic Dragon, HR Puff’n’Stuff, the Powder Puff girls, and the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man. And just like his predecessors, he helped make the name “Puff” socially acceptable for everyone, not just the gay community.
Chris Gaines
Garth Brooks didn’t really change his name so much as he created an entire new persona. And when I say he created a persona, I mean he put on a wig and played shitty songs. I’m not even kidding, they were pure grade A horse shit! I have to wonder, though, how often the double-identity trick is used in the recording industry? Maybe Pete Townshend was really just Peter Frampton with a wig? Perhaps Alice Cooper hit his head on the toilet, but instead of envisioning the flux capacitor, he slurred his speech and became Ozzy Osborne? At any rate, I count anything that gets Garth to stop singing about lighthouses and high school football as a win.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Take my advice...
Various tidbits of advice I was given througout my life.
“Always wear a condom”
–Nancy smith, Health Teacher
It took a while for me to figure out she meant to do this only while having sex.
“Aim for the head, always assume he’s wearing a vest.”
– Derrick McIntyre, Army drill sergeant
Extremely useful or completely worthless, depending on which side of town you live.
“Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear, well he eats you. "
– The Big Lebowski
As far as I’m concerned, the zen-like wisdom of The Dude has rendered the Tao Te Ching completely obsolete.
“Wear Sunscreen”
– Baz Luhrman, director
The long term benefits of wearing sunscreen are well documented.
“The key to avoiding hangovers is to keep drinking”
–David Thoma, college buddy
This actually works....sorta.
“This ‘Wine for Dummies’ book will answer all your questions”
– Sandra Levitt, wine store owner
I like being a dummy....it means I can buy a $4 bottle of wine with a cartoon character on the label and not think there is anything wrong with that.
“Always wear a condom”
–Nancy smith, Health Teacher
It took a while for me to figure out she meant to do this only while having sex.
“Aim for the head, always assume he’s wearing a vest.”
– Derrick McIntyre, Army drill sergeant
Extremely useful or completely worthless, depending on which side of town you live.
“Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear, well he eats you. "
– The Big Lebowski
As far as I’m concerned, the zen-like wisdom of The Dude has rendered the Tao Te Ching completely obsolete.
“Wear Sunscreen”
– Baz Luhrman, director
The long term benefits of wearing sunscreen are well documented.
“The key to avoiding hangovers is to keep drinking”
–David Thoma, college buddy
This actually works....sorta.
“This ‘Wine for Dummies’ book will answer all your questions”
– Sandra Levitt, wine store owner
I like being a dummy....it means I can buy a $4 bottle of wine with a cartoon character on the label and not think there is anything wrong with that.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Somebody set up us the bomb!
Judas Iscariot
The story of Judas shows that everyone has their price. Once, a drunk biker sitting next to me at a bar was one coherent thought away from figuring out I had been fucking with him all night. For $100, I would have kept at it, urging him to “go talk to the blond bartender, I happen to know she has a thing for 300 pound dudes in tight leather!” A paltry 30 pieces of silver to effectively murder the Son of God sounds like a ridiculously low ball offer, but then again the Jews have always been famous for driving a hard bargain.
Marcus Brutus
The story of Caesar's death reminds us to never underestimate the power of peer pressure. It can make even the sanest of freshman drink a tabasco sauce-vodka cocktail, upside down and naked, while reciting the pledge of allegiance, all to gain the acceptance of complete strangers. Murdering your best friend and inciting a civil war is one hell of a way to get punk'd (which is still better than getting stabb'd).... it makes Ashton Kutcher look like a 3rd grader with a whoopee cushion by comparison.
Benedict Arnold
There were many reasons ol' Benedict switched sides, but it's funny that what really brought his piss to a boil was America's alliance with France. Being a former Army man myself, I have to admit I can sort of see his point. I can just imagine his thought process....“You mean to tell me that our key to victory is the French, who have never won a battle against anyone, ever!? Game over man, Game over!” It is almost always the French who end up acting like little bitches, so I can't help but to appreciate the irony.
Mata Hari
Her story shows how being naive can have fatal consequences. She was executed by firing squad during Word War One...supposedly she had been recruited by a charming German officer who got her to spy for him. Something just doesn't add up. German military officers excel at many things, but sweet talking the garter belts off exotic dancers is NOT one of them. You almost feel sorry for her, like the just-turned 18 year old girl who honestly thinks she is going to “just model”. There are many things worth dying for, but a g-string lined with singles is not one of them.
The story of Judas shows that everyone has their price. Once, a drunk biker sitting next to me at a bar was one coherent thought away from figuring out I had been fucking with him all night. For $100, I would have kept at it, urging him to “go talk to the blond bartender, I happen to know she has a thing for 300 pound dudes in tight leather!” A paltry 30 pieces of silver to effectively murder the Son of God sounds like a ridiculously low ball offer, but then again the Jews have always been famous for driving a hard bargain.
Marcus Brutus
The story of Caesar's death reminds us to never underestimate the power of peer pressure. It can make even the sanest of freshman drink a tabasco sauce-vodka cocktail, upside down and naked, while reciting the pledge of allegiance, all to gain the acceptance of complete strangers. Murdering your best friend and inciting a civil war is one hell of a way to get punk'd (which is still better than getting stabb'd).... it makes Ashton Kutcher look like a 3rd grader with a whoopee cushion by comparison.
Benedict Arnold
There were many reasons ol' Benedict switched sides, but it's funny that what really brought his piss to a boil was America's alliance with France. Being a former Army man myself, I have to admit I can sort of see his point. I can just imagine his thought process....“You mean to tell me that our key to victory is the French, who have never won a battle against anyone, ever!? Game over man, Game over!” It is almost always the French who end up acting like little bitches, so I can't help but to appreciate the irony.
Mata Hari
Her story shows how being naive can have fatal consequences. She was executed by firing squad during Word War One...supposedly she had been recruited by a charming German officer who got her to spy for him. Something just doesn't add up. German military officers excel at many things, but sweet talking the garter belts off exotic dancers is NOT one of them. You almost feel sorry for her, like the just-turned 18 year old girl who honestly thinks she is going to “just model”. There are many things worth dying for, but a g-string lined with singles is not one of them.
Cartoons: Requiem
Sponge Bob Square Pants
Sometimes, cartoons characters are popular when by all rights, they really shouldn’t be. An ordinary, pre-formed rectangular synthetic sponge (sporting equally rectangular pants) would not have struck me as particularly entertaining. Said sponge performing menial duties as a fast food line cook sounds even less fun. Especially when the restaurant franchise contains the word "Krusty" in its name. But kids love him! I guess if kids can find a special place in their heart for deformed Ogre who’s only companion is a donkey, then why not a household cleaning implement brought to you by the good folks at Dow?
Bugs Bunny
I wonder how Bugs’s creator came up with the idea of a wisecracking rabbit with a Brooklyn accent. Whatever the method, it worked...brilliantly. He taught me not only that rabbits and ducks not only despise each other, but their respective hunting seasons vary wildly in time and length. Good ol’ Bugs, with his pragmatic outlook on life, gave everyone the best advice they will ever get, period. "Don’t take life too seriously, Doc. You’ll never get out alive."
The Little Mermaid
Apparently cartoon mermaids haven’t figured out how to keep their hair covering their breasts at all times (like Daryl Hannah in "Splash"), so the use shell bras. Kind of like the Red Lobster waitresses in this one re-occurring dream I have. But I digress. I find it funny that the people who go into thermonuclear meltdown over cloned sheep because it crosses a line that mankind was never meant to cross, are the very same people who see no problem in letting their young children watch a romantic relationship develop between a human and a mutant human/fish hybrid.
Skeletor
He-Man’s arch nemesis, Skeletor, seems to come right out of some sort of Barnes and Nobles "Evil Villains For Dummies" bargain book. Raspy voice?...check. Megalomania?..check. Incompetent henchman?...check. I do have to admit, though, that the ram’s head staff was a nice Satanic touch. And you have to admire the chutzpah of anyone who introduces himself as the "Evil Lord of Destruction", even if it eventually is the ultimate letdown.
Wolverine
The De Facto Leader of the X-Men is also my favorite. What is not to like about a 130+ year old man with a metal skeleton and huge knives that extend from his knuckles? The sideburns only add the ambiance. Well, I can think of one thing: he is Canadian. Canadian!! Dear God, all my childhood heroes are letting me down! First I see Captain Kirk making Priceline commercials, now I find out Wolverine is Canadian! What’s next, finding out that Spiderman has an extensive collection of Nazi memorabilia?
Sometimes, cartoons characters are popular when by all rights, they really shouldn’t be. An ordinary, pre-formed rectangular synthetic sponge (sporting equally rectangular pants) would not have struck me as particularly entertaining. Said sponge performing menial duties as a fast food line cook sounds even less fun. Especially when the restaurant franchise contains the word "Krusty" in its name. But kids love him! I guess if kids can find a special place in their heart for deformed Ogre who’s only companion is a donkey, then why not a household cleaning implement brought to you by the good folks at Dow?
Bugs Bunny
I wonder how Bugs’s creator came up with the idea of a wisecracking rabbit with a Brooklyn accent. Whatever the method, it worked...brilliantly. He taught me not only that rabbits and ducks not only despise each other, but their respective hunting seasons vary wildly in time and length. Good ol’ Bugs, with his pragmatic outlook on life, gave everyone the best advice they will ever get, period. "Don’t take life too seriously, Doc. You’ll never get out alive."
The Little Mermaid
Apparently cartoon mermaids haven’t figured out how to keep their hair covering their breasts at all times (like Daryl Hannah in "Splash"), so the use shell bras. Kind of like the Red Lobster waitresses in this one re-occurring dream I have. But I digress. I find it funny that the people who go into thermonuclear meltdown over cloned sheep because it crosses a line that mankind was never meant to cross, are the very same people who see no problem in letting their young children watch a romantic relationship develop between a human and a mutant human/fish hybrid.
Skeletor
He-Man’s arch nemesis, Skeletor, seems to come right out of some sort of Barnes and Nobles "Evil Villains For Dummies" bargain book. Raspy voice?...check. Megalomania?..check. Incompetent henchman?...check. I do have to admit, though, that the ram’s head staff was a nice Satanic touch. And you have to admire the chutzpah of anyone who introduces himself as the "Evil Lord of Destruction", even if it eventually is the ultimate letdown.
Wolverine
The De Facto Leader of the X-Men is also my favorite. What is not to like about a 130+ year old man with a metal skeleton and huge knives that extend from his knuckles? The sideburns only add the ambiance. Well, I can think of one thing: he is Canadian. Canadian!! Dear God, all my childhood heroes are letting me down! First I see Captain Kirk making Priceline commercials, now I find out Wolverine is Canadian! What’s next, finding out that Spiderman has an extensive collection of Nazi memorabilia?
80's TV
Miami Vice
Arguably the best show to come out of the 80's. I learned more history (from the original expedition of Ponce de Leon to the Vietnam war) by watching this show than I ever did in school . This show was actually ahead of its time in a lot of ways...using the "flawed hero" concept for Crockett, multi-season story arcs, and Castillo even predicted the fall of the Soviet Union! Sadly, real life in Miami is nowhere near as cool as this show made it out do be. You just don't see a lot of the stuff the show depicted: cars with gull-wing doors, European bikini models willing to having drinks with complete strangers, good honest cops...But what it lacked in authenticity it more than made up for in the sound track department. 80's music is probably the pinnacle of perfection, proven by the fact that since around 1992 all music has progressively sucked worse and worse. I dare not think about whatever evil awaits us at the end of this black hole we call musical evolution. Judging by the quality of the "American Idol" winners (and the very existence of that show for that matter), I fear the cataclysmic apocalypse...the one referred to in ever holy scripture known to mankind...is upon us! ....wait a second....Jesus! How did I go from Miami Vice to this?
A-Team
After a military tribunal found these special forces veterans guilty of a crime they didn't commit, they were forced to hide in the Los Angeles underground. When you consider the enormous amount of war crimes and atrocities committed in Vietnam (by both sides), you have to believe they pulled one hell of a doosey. I doubt the government would bother hunting for water buffalo poachers."Howling Mad Murdoch" was mildly entertaining, with his mediocre impressions. As for "Face"...listen, if your going to nickname yourself after a body part then you should put a little more thought into it. There are so many creative directions I would have gone...Mr. T, the heart and soul of the entire show, was the best. Without him, the show might as well have been called "Buncha white guys in a van". I'll admit, though, that When you're trying to remain inconspicuous, hanging around a black bodybuilder, with a mohawk and 10 pounds of gold around his neck, is NOT the way to do it. He stands out as eccentric even in LA. If nothing else, I take great comfort in knowing that wherever there are fools who don't floss or save for retirement, Mr. T is there to take pity on them.
Dukes of Hazard
This show is what living in the rural South is all about! Fat, corrupt Sheriff? Check. Prominent display of the confederate flag? Check. Hot, borderline trailer trash girl in cutoffs? Check. In Hazard county, Georgia, the General Lee was the real star. I can speak from experience that cars with doors welded shut are not especially uncommon in the South...nor are cars that have horns who play Dixie. I can also verify from experience that this show got a lot of things right....for instance: 1.) The omniscient, dis-embodied voice of Waylon Jennings knows better than you. 2.) One can never have too many cousins. 3.) "Cooter", despite the fact your common sense would tell you otherwise, is a perfectly respectable nickname 4.) Dodge Chargers can jump any ravine so long as the driver yells "Yee Haw"! 5.) And this is perhaps most important...When in doubt simply yell "Yee Haw!" and floor it. As long as you keep that in mind, the mountain may get you, but the law never will.
Arguably the best show to come out of the 80's. I learned more history (from the original expedition of Ponce de Leon to the Vietnam war) by watching this show than I ever did in school . This show was actually ahead of its time in a lot of ways...using the "flawed hero" concept for Crockett, multi-season story arcs, and Castillo even predicted the fall of the Soviet Union! Sadly, real life in Miami is nowhere near as cool as this show made it out do be. You just don't see a lot of the stuff the show depicted: cars with gull-wing doors, European bikini models willing to having drinks with complete strangers, good honest cops...But what it lacked in authenticity it more than made up for in the sound track department. 80's music is probably the pinnacle of perfection, proven by the fact that since around 1992 all music has progressively sucked worse and worse. I dare not think about whatever evil awaits us at the end of this black hole we call musical evolution. Judging by the quality of the "American Idol" winners (and the very existence of that show for that matter), I fear the cataclysmic apocalypse...the one referred to in ever holy scripture known to mankind...is upon us! ....wait a second....Jesus! How did I go from Miami Vice to this?
A-Team
After a military tribunal found these special forces veterans guilty of a crime they didn't commit, they were forced to hide in the Los Angeles underground. When you consider the enormous amount of war crimes and atrocities committed in Vietnam (by both sides), you have to believe they pulled one hell of a doosey. I doubt the government would bother hunting for water buffalo poachers."Howling Mad Murdoch" was mildly entertaining, with his mediocre impressions. As for "Face"...listen, if your going to nickname yourself after a body part then you should put a little more thought into it. There are so many creative directions I would have gone...Mr. T, the heart and soul of the entire show, was the best. Without him, the show might as well have been called "Buncha white guys in a van". I'll admit, though, that When you're trying to remain inconspicuous, hanging around a black bodybuilder, with a mohawk and 10 pounds of gold around his neck, is NOT the way to do it. He stands out as eccentric even in LA. If nothing else, I take great comfort in knowing that wherever there are fools who don't floss or save for retirement, Mr. T is there to take pity on them.
Dukes of Hazard
This show is what living in the rural South is all about! Fat, corrupt Sheriff? Check. Prominent display of the confederate flag? Check. Hot, borderline trailer trash girl in cutoffs? Check. In Hazard county, Georgia, the General Lee was the real star. I can speak from experience that cars with doors welded shut are not especially uncommon in the South...nor are cars that have horns who play Dixie. I can also verify from experience that this show got a lot of things right....for instance: 1.) The omniscient, dis-embodied voice of Waylon Jennings knows better than you. 2.) One can never have too many cousins. 3.) "Cooter", despite the fact your common sense would tell you otherwise, is a perfectly respectable nickname 4.) Dodge Chargers can jump any ravine so long as the driver yells "Yee Haw"! 5.) And this is perhaps most important...When in doubt simply yell "Yee Haw!" and floor it. As long as you keep that in mind, the mountain may get you, but the law never will.
70's TV
Battlestar Galactica
Despite being relatively obscure, this show was the center of one the of largest advertising campaigns in television history. I don't know anyone who has never heard of it, even if they don't know anything about it. Despite the cheesy effects, the premise of the show is kind of terrifying. The plot revolved around genocidal cyborgs who commit a nuclear holocaust against humanity, then hunt down the survivors like rabid dogs. Those very same genocidal cyborgs were featured on children's lunch box's and underoo's! One thing that always struck me as odd was how humanity seemed to find plenty of time for casual dating in between combat air patrols. In every episode, someone always got heartbroken or found new love. It's comforting to know that even in the future, holocaust refugees frantically fleeing from intergalactic genocide, will still put getting laid at the top of their priority list.
Starsky and Hutch
In the 1970's, law enforcement partnerships included a by-the-book, straight laced type and a moody, "what the captain don't know won't hurt him" type. But we are too worried about hurt feelings and hostile workplace lawsuits to ever let such things happen now. And these mis-matched cops usually knew a streetwise black man to give them information about the criminal underworld of the city, but the CRIMESTOPPERS hot line cut out the middleman. And this criminal informant not only spoke jive, but dressed extravagantly and spent money like a pimp with a week to live! But the economic meltdown has pretty much ensured that isn't going to happen again anytime soon. And forget stock police cruisers. They drove gas guzzling muscle cars with high compression ratios, but the environmentalists ruined those too (along with everything else). I blame the lack of all the above conditions for our soaring crime rates in this country. That, and crack.
All in the Family
Good ol' fashioned American racism does no get any better than this, folks! Blacks, Jews, Mexicans, and even women...Archie Bunker hated them all! Name any issue that has ever gotten someone's panties in a bunch and you will find it in this show: Racism, sexism, antisemitism, crime, immigration, civil rights, economic class war. The beautiful thing was this show depicted all of this without any politically correct BS! Almost every single ethnic slur I ever learned was from this show. When this show was on the air, it was the one of the edgiest shows that was constantly pushing the boundaries of what could be gotten away with on TV. Now, it's shown on Nick at Night right after "Leave It To Beaver". The long road to panty un-bunching has begun, my friends.
Kung Fu
In the 21st century, anyone who wandered around the western half of the North American continent, standing up for justice using advanced kung fu techniques, would be considered criminally insane. But in the 19th century, this made you cool (even borderline hero). I am more than willing to overlook the fact that David Carradine is not even a little bit Asian. I am also willing to accept that "walking the Earth" was a perfectly acceptable career choice back then. But I have always wanted to know why monks need to know martial arts? Catholic priests aren't really bad ass, and even the most radical Islamic imams don't actually do their own dirty work. But monks of Buddha, the most peaceful of all religions, can kill you 3 times before you hit the ground. Awesome, but perplexing.
M*A*S*H*
Who says war can't be fun? From cross dressing soldiers to old-timey helicopters, this show had it all! It depicted a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during the Korean War. You heard me correctly, we actually had a war with Korea. Japan, Korea, Vietnam....that makes 3 wars with 3 Asian countries in 20 years. I would be nervous if I were China, until I realized that 66% of the time, the Asian countries won (sort of). Anyways, if I ever undergo major surgery, I want a smart ass surgeon like Hawkeye to do it. He had that witty bedside manner that could make invasive spinal reconstruction almost fun. And unlike Patch Adams, Hawkeye didn't need clown noses to do it!
Despite being relatively obscure, this show was the center of one the of largest advertising campaigns in television history. I don't know anyone who has never heard of it, even if they don't know anything about it. Despite the cheesy effects, the premise of the show is kind of terrifying. The plot revolved around genocidal cyborgs who commit a nuclear holocaust against humanity, then hunt down the survivors like rabid dogs. Those very same genocidal cyborgs were featured on children's lunch box's and underoo's! One thing that always struck me as odd was how humanity seemed to find plenty of time for casual dating in between combat air patrols. In every episode, someone always got heartbroken or found new love. It's comforting to know that even in the future, holocaust refugees frantically fleeing from intergalactic genocide, will still put getting laid at the top of their priority list.
Starsky and Hutch
In the 1970's, law enforcement partnerships included a by-the-book, straight laced type and a moody, "what the captain don't know won't hurt him" type. But we are too worried about hurt feelings and hostile workplace lawsuits to ever let such things happen now. And these mis-matched cops usually knew a streetwise black man to give them information about the criminal underworld of the city, but the CRIMESTOPPERS hot line cut out the middleman. And this criminal informant not only spoke jive, but dressed extravagantly and spent money like a pimp with a week to live! But the economic meltdown has pretty much ensured that isn't going to happen again anytime soon. And forget stock police cruisers. They drove gas guzzling muscle cars with high compression ratios, but the environmentalists ruined those too (along with everything else). I blame the lack of all the above conditions for our soaring crime rates in this country. That, and crack.
All in the Family
Good ol' fashioned American racism does no get any better than this, folks! Blacks, Jews, Mexicans, and even women...Archie Bunker hated them all! Name any issue that has ever gotten someone's panties in a bunch and you will find it in this show: Racism, sexism, antisemitism, crime, immigration, civil rights, economic class war. The beautiful thing was this show depicted all of this without any politically correct BS! Almost every single ethnic slur I ever learned was from this show. When this show was on the air, it was the one of the edgiest shows that was constantly pushing the boundaries of what could be gotten away with on TV. Now, it's shown on Nick at Night right after "Leave It To Beaver". The long road to panty un-bunching has begun, my friends.
Kung Fu
In the 21st century, anyone who wandered around the western half of the North American continent, standing up for justice using advanced kung fu techniques, would be considered criminally insane. But in the 19th century, this made you cool (even borderline hero). I am more than willing to overlook the fact that David Carradine is not even a little bit Asian. I am also willing to accept that "walking the Earth" was a perfectly acceptable career choice back then. But I have always wanted to know why monks need to know martial arts? Catholic priests aren't really bad ass, and even the most radical Islamic imams don't actually do their own dirty work. But monks of Buddha, the most peaceful of all religions, can kill you 3 times before you hit the ground. Awesome, but perplexing.
M*A*S*H*
Who says war can't be fun? From cross dressing soldiers to old-timey helicopters, this show had it all! It depicted a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during the Korean War. You heard me correctly, we actually had a war with Korea. Japan, Korea, Vietnam....that makes 3 wars with 3 Asian countries in 20 years. I would be nervous if I were China, until I realized that 66% of the time, the Asian countries won (sort of). Anyways, if I ever undergo major surgery, I want a smart ass surgeon like Hawkeye to do it. He had that witty bedside manner that could make invasive spinal reconstruction almost fun. And unlike Patch Adams, Hawkeye didn't need clown noses to do it!
Forevor hold your peace
Ceremony
Wedding ceremonies can be as elaborate or simple as you want. From ornate churches with a horse drawn buggy to whisk you away to wedded bliss afterwards, to drive through wedding huts operated by the Nevada State Gaming Commission (where you can get a marriage license printed on an etch-a-sketch), the ceremony itself is only the beginning. I always thought that the ability to marry someone was the coolest thing a priest could do, short of exercising hell-spawned demons that is. But apparently, this privilege is not reserved solely for men of the cloth. Any notary public or justice of the peace can marry you. Hell, even Captain Picard once presided over a wedding ceremony! But as much as I like the good Captain, I think having photon torpedoes AND the ability to perform wedding ceremonies is just too much power for one man to wield.
Vows
This is pretty straightforward. The bride and groom tell each other just how much shit they will tolerate before they file for divorce. Even with a pre-nup, it’s good to get this out in the open right from the get-go. I don’t understand why people bother writing their own vows...almost every eventuality you could possibly encounter is covered by the standard issue vow; the ones we all have memorized from watching weddings in movies. I mean, after you vow to love each other "until death do you part", there isn’t much else you can add. Although I could imagine someone adding disclaimers to their vows such as "offer ends on the 31st. Void where prohibited. For official rules and details....."
Moment of Truth
This is where the priest/Elvis impersonator/starship captain ask if there is anyone who has any objections to the marriage. I wonder if a wedding has ever been stopped at this point just because someone in the crowd objected? Can anyone really just blurt out anything they want? Would that really void the wedding vows that were just exchanged, or just make you look like a total ass? Would the priest actually say "Well, since the gentleman in the back row thinks you are too good for him, I hereby void this marriage and wish you both the best of luck. Next time aim a little lower, dude".And when that tense moment is over, he pronounces you man and wife. You will only ever be pronounced two things in your entire life....married and dead...so make this count!
Reception
Free Food!! And if the newlyweds don’t have stingy parents, free booze! This is the fun part of the wedding; the part that’s going to be remembered. People dance. People sing. Bridesmaids get drunk. There isn’t really much else to say about the reception, unless I am invited. Then I feel it’s only fair to warn you to lock your daughters and hide the fried chicken!
Traditions
As if the bride doesn’t have enough to worry about on her big day, she now has to obtain 4 items: old, new, borrowed, and blue. I guess if her dress was new, and she could borrow someone’s old blue handkerchief, and that would cover all bases. But who uses a handkerchief anymore? And if they did, who keeps their old ones? Gross! As for garter belts....Nowhere else in society do you see religious covenants involving the flinging of female undergarments. I don’t understand how having the determination to snag women’s clothing out of the air makes a guy ready for marriage anymore than I know how shoving cake into your lover’s mouth signifies that you love them. But the most perplexing thing is lengths women will go to in order to catch the flower bouquet. If women would put half as much effort into solving the world’s problems as they did into catching that damned bouquet, we would have cured cancer and built houses on the moon a long time ago!
Wedding ceremonies can be as elaborate or simple as you want. From ornate churches with a horse drawn buggy to whisk you away to wedded bliss afterwards, to drive through wedding huts operated by the Nevada State Gaming Commission (where you can get a marriage license printed on an etch-a-sketch), the ceremony itself is only the beginning. I always thought that the ability to marry someone was the coolest thing a priest could do, short of exercising hell-spawned demons that is. But apparently, this privilege is not reserved solely for men of the cloth. Any notary public or justice of the peace can marry you. Hell, even Captain Picard once presided over a wedding ceremony! But as much as I like the good Captain, I think having photon torpedoes AND the ability to perform wedding ceremonies is just too much power for one man to wield.
Vows
This is pretty straightforward. The bride and groom tell each other just how much shit they will tolerate before they file for divorce. Even with a pre-nup, it’s good to get this out in the open right from the get-go. I don’t understand why people bother writing their own vows...almost every eventuality you could possibly encounter is covered by the standard issue vow; the ones we all have memorized from watching weddings in movies. I mean, after you vow to love each other "until death do you part", there isn’t much else you can add. Although I could imagine someone adding disclaimers to their vows such as "offer ends on the 31st. Void where prohibited. For official rules and details....."
Moment of Truth
This is where the priest/Elvis impersonator/starship captain ask if there is anyone who has any objections to the marriage. I wonder if a wedding has ever been stopped at this point just because someone in the crowd objected? Can anyone really just blurt out anything they want? Would that really void the wedding vows that were just exchanged, or just make you look like a total ass? Would the priest actually say "Well, since the gentleman in the back row thinks you are too good for him, I hereby void this marriage and wish you both the best of luck. Next time aim a little lower, dude".And when that tense moment is over, he pronounces you man and wife. You will only ever be pronounced two things in your entire life....married and dead...so make this count!
Reception
Free Food!! And if the newlyweds don’t have stingy parents, free booze! This is the fun part of the wedding; the part that’s going to be remembered. People dance. People sing. Bridesmaids get drunk. There isn’t really much else to say about the reception, unless I am invited. Then I feel it’s only fair to warn you to lock your daughters and hide the fried chicken!
Traditions
As if the bride doesn’t have enough to worry about on her big day, she now has to obtain 4 items: old, new, borrowed, and blue. I guess if her dress was new, and she could borrow someone’s old blue handkerchief, and that would cover all bases. But who uses a handkerchief anymore? And if they did, who keeps their old ones? Gross! As for garter belts....Nowhere else in society do you see religious covenants involving the flinging of female undergarments. I don’t understand how having the determination to snag women’s clothing out of the air makes a guy ready for marriage anymore than I know how shoving cake into your lover’s mouth signifies that you love them. But the most perplexing thing is lengths women will go to in order to catch the flower bouquet. If women would put half as much effort into solving the world’s problems as they did into catching that damned bouquet, we would have cured cancer and built houses on the moon a long time ago!
Hail to the Chief
George Washington
Not many people could lead an army while wearing a wig. Fewer still could do so and become president. First in both war and peace, ol’ George once bluffed the British (who both outnumbered and out gunned him) into surrendering a battle without firing a shot. Imagine playing poker with him! After he became president, he told our...God I feel dirty saying this.....French allies (shudder) to go fuck themselves. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why this has NOT become a tradition for every president since...Imagine if it was part of the presidential oath! "I do solemnly swear, that the French are a bunch of cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys, and that they can go fuck themselves! So help me God!"
Theodore Roosevelt
The best president by far. During his lifetime, he was a cowboy, explorer, war hero (he won the Congressional Medal of Honor), Nobel peace prize winner, martial artists (he studied judo), and President. The only reason he wasn’t an astronaut is that Spaceflight had not been invented yet. While I have nothing against Washington, Lincoln, or Jefferson, I think Mt. Rushmore should be one giant statue of Roosevelt. And not just standing there either, he should be playing guitar while making out with a hot NFL cheerleader. Because that is TOTALLY what he would be doing if he were alive today! Rock on, Teddy!
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Despite having the nerdiest first name of any president (with the possible exception of Grover Cleveland), Ike really made this country what it is today. We can thank him for a successful invasion of Normandy (and ultimately, our victory over Nazi Germany),the interstate highway system, and the first civil rights bills. His warning about the "military-industrial complex" was more than a bit unsettling though. Just like the way hot dogs are made, there are some things we’re better off not knowing.
Jimmy Carter
Carter was a homespun southern democrat, complete with Southern drawl, which gave him all the credibility of a Countrytime Iced Tea spokesman. His presidency oversaw the reprehensible handling of the Iranian hostage crisis, and gave millions of dollars to aid the the Afghan mujahadeen (talk about your all time backfires!) To his credit, he did negotiate a peace deal between Israel and Egypt, and by "negotiate" I mean he showed up. What everyone probably remembers most, however, is "Billy Beer"....this God-awful tasting beer brewed by his brother, Billy. I would be embarrassed if the most memorable aspect of my presidency was some shitty beer my redneck brother was hawking. But anyone who has been to Georgia can see, embarrassment is a completely foreign concept.
George W. Bush
Good god, where do I begin? His controversial presidency started off amidst rumors of ballot scandal in my former home, Palm Beach County, FL. "Hanging Chad" sounds an awful lot like a developmentally challenged 4th grader who thinks he is a monkey... And while Bush showed a tremendous leadership following Sept. 11, he showed the world how NOT to run a war with the invasion of Iraq. "Shock and Awe" was more like "Shock and Aw, shucks"! I am not sure who is a bigger slacker... Dub-ya, with an “C” average Ivy League history degree and the lowest acceptable passing score at flight school; or this guy I knew in college whose entire life's goal was to own all of Buffy on DVD, and he already had the first season.
Not many people could lead an army while wearing a wig. Fewer still could do so and become president. First in both war and peace, ol’ George once bluffed the British (who both outnumbered and out gunned him) into surrendering a battle without firing a shot. Imagine playing poker with him! After he became president, he told our...God I feel dirty saying this.....French allies (shudder) to go fuck themselves. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why this has NOT become a tradition for every president since...Imagine if it was part of the presidential oath! "I do solemnly swear, that the French are a bunch of cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys, and that they can go fuck themselves! So help me God!"
Theodore Roosevelt
The best president by far. During his lifetime, he was a cowboy, explorer, war hero (he won the Congressional Medal of Honor), Nobel peace prize winner, martial artists (he studied judo), and President. The only reason he wasn’t an astronaut is that Spaceflight had not been invented yet. While I have nothing against Washington, Lincoln, or Jefferson, I think Mt. Rushmore should be one giant statue of Roosevelt. And not just standing there either, he should be playing guitar while making out with a hot NFL cheerleader. Because that is TOTALLY what he would be doing if he were alive today! Rock on, Teddy!
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Despite having the nerdiest first name of any president (with the possible exception of Grover Cleveland), Ike really made this country what it is today. We can thank him for a successful invasion of Normandy (and ultimately, our victory over Nazi Germany),the interstate highway system, and the first civil rights bills. His warning about the "military-industrial complex" was more than a bit unsettling though. Just like the way hot dogs are made, there are some things we’re better off not knowing.
Jimmy Carter
Carter was a homespun southern democrat, complete with Southern drawl, which gave him all the credibility of a Countrytime Iced Tea spokesman. His presidency oversaw the reprehensible handling of the Iranian hostage crisis, and gave millions of dollars to aid the the Afghan mujahadeen (talk about your all time backfires!) To his credit, he did negotiate a peace deal between Israel and Egypt, and by "negotiate" I mean he showed up. What everyone probably remembers most, however, is "Billy Beer"....this God-awful tasting beer brewed by his brother, Billy. I would be embarrassed if the most memorable aspect of my presidency was some shitty beer my redneck brother was hawking. But anyone who has been to Georgia can see, embarrassment is a completely foreign concept.
George W. Bush
Good god, where do I begin? His controversial presidency started off amidst rumors of ballot scandal in my former home, Palm Beach County, FL. "Hanging Chad" sounds an awful lot like a developmentally challenged 4th grader who thinks he is a monkey... And while Bush showed a tremendous leadership following Sept. 11, he showed the world how NOT to run a war with the invasion of Iraq. "Shock and Awe" was more like "Shock and Aw, shucks"! I am not sure who is a bigger slacker... Dub-ya, with an “C” average Ivy League history degree and the lowest acceptable passing score at flight school; or this guy I knew in college whose entire life's goal was to own all of Buffy on DVD, and he already had the first season.
Culture Club
American
The first Americans thought it was perfectly ok to shoot people in the head so they wouldn’t have to pay tax on breakfast tea. Points for style, but that might be pushing it a bit. We won our independence by fighting an insurgency against the largest, most well trained military on Earth. This was the very same military that would have lost both World Wars if not for our help. Stupid Limey Brits! USA! USA! WE’RE 1! Woohoo! And we still don’t pay tea tax!
Latin American
The various Latin countries are, at best, a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they give us cocaine, malaria, and bloody civil wars waged by despotic dictators. But on the other hand, they also give us Brazilian waxes, top quality Cigars, and festive hats. You could also include soccer, as either good or bad, depending on your feelings towards effeminate men and/or masculine women (as the case may be).
Islamic
These boys just ain’t right. No pork. No alcohol. No looking at, talking to, or even thinking about women…it is strictly forbidden. I can understand that alcohol that can cause liver damage and women can be annoying as hell sometimes, probably even more so in 115 degree heat…..so I’ll give them that. But denying yourself the delicious goodness of Carolina-style BBQ, hickory smoked to perfection? No sir, these boys just ain’t right at all.
Japanese
You can’t help but admire any culture that gives you cute cartoon creatures and fully grown women in schoolgirl skirts. The world needs more of both, as far as I’m concerned. This is also the birthplace of both Samurai's AND Nintendo!! When you consider all the good things Japan has given the world, it’s very hard to get mad at them when they are driving 20mph below the speed limit in the fast line with their turn signal on.
Russian
Russians generally come in one of two types: functioning alcoholics and non-functioning alcoholics. Considering that native Russian cuisine is about as appetizing as Eukanuba, it’s not hard to understand that Vodka would be the preferred source of caloric intake. And if James Bond movies are to be believed (and I see no reason they shouldn’t), Russians are fun loving (hello, Bond Girls with Slavic accents!) and fairly harmless, with every single doomsday device they ever having such shoddy workmanship that even Hyundai wouldn't touch them.
The first Americans thought it was perfectly ok to shoot people in the head so they wouldn’t have to pay tax on breakfast tea. Points for style, but that might be pushing it a bit. We won our independence by fighting an insurgency against the largest, most well trained military on Earth. This was the very same military that would have lost both World Wars if not for our help. Stupid Limey Brits! USA! USA! WE’RE 1! Woohoo! And we still don’t pay tea tax!
Latin American
The various Latin countries are, at best, a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they give us cocaine, malaria, and bloody civil wars waged by despotic dictators. But on the other hand, they also give us Brazilian waxes, top quality Cigars, and festive hats. You could also include soccer, as either good or bad, depending on your feelings towards effeminate men and/or masculine women (as the case may be).
Islamic
These boys just ain’t right. No pork. No alcohol. No looking at, talking to, or even thinking about women…it is strictly forbidden. I can understand that alcohol that can cause liver damage and women can be annoying as hell sometimes, probably even more so in 115 degree heat…..so I’ll give them that. But denying yourself the delicious goodness of Carolina-style BBQ, hickory smoked to perfection? No sir, these boys just ain’t right at all.
Japanese
You can’t help but admire any culture that gives you cute cartoon creatures and fully grown women in schoolgirl skirts. The world needs more of both, as far as I’m concerned. This is also the birthplace of both Samurai's AND Nintendo!! When you consider all the good things Japan has given the world, it’s very hard to get mad at them when they are driving 20mph below the speed limit in the fast line with their turn signal on.
Russian
Russians generally come in one of two types: functioning alcoholics and non-functioning alcoholics. Considering that native Russian cuisine is about as appetizing as Eukanuba, it’s not hard to understand that Vodka would be the preferred source of caloric intake. And if James Bond movies are to be believed (and I see no reason they shouldn’t), Russians are fun loving (hello, Bond Girls with Slavic accents!) and fairly harmless, with every single doomsday device they ever having such shoddy workmanship that even Hyundai wouldn't touch them.
Look upward, and share the wonders I have seen
Virgo
The interestingthing about Virgo is that it does not represent any one mythological figure. Over the ages it has represented every goddess from every culture, from Ishtar to Athena to the Virgin Mary. It can represent anyone you want it to. Sort of like God is saying "I'm going to show some love and give a quick shout out to all you lovely ladies out there on Earth..." I am not sure how a female laying on her back, hands in the air, could possibly remind anyone of a virgin. I wonder if this is one of those "born again" virgins, and she decided to take it all back after she gets dumped?
The Southern Cross
Pragmatism in action; it's in the southern hemisphere, and it's a cross. Why bother trying to convince people it's actually the picture of a huge celestial Unicorn? Of course, if we applied this to the entire sky, we'd end up with constellations like "The Great Northern Parralellogram." While the candor is refreshing, it does evoke images of some Baptist church in Mississippi, and nothing good ever came from a Baptists church in Mississippi.
Pegasus
Pegasus, the winged horse of legend, is represented in the night sky by a lopsided box. It kind of makes you lose your faith in the stories where the gods reward the noble and heroic by putting their images into the heavens."Great Job Perseus! As a reward for your heroic deeds, I shall put your image into the heavens to be gazed upoon by all!" Of course like Pegasus, this image is just a trianlge and looks nothing like what is supposed to. Way to phone it in, Zeus!
The Dippers
First off, I have a slight problem with their names. Officially, "Big Dipper" and "Little Dipper" are called "Ursa Major" and "Ursa Minor". These sound an awful lot like Ukrainian porn star names! Alternatively, "Big Bear" and "Little Bear" sound like a made for TV Disney movie, or possible even gay pet names. The awesome thing about these are that anyone can find them. Once
you find the Big Dipper, you can find the Little Dipper. Once you find that, you can find the North Star. And once you find that, you can either find your latitudinal position in the Northern Hemisphere, or start quoting Shakespear. If you are anything like me, you need to do both, and often.
Orion
Probably the best constellation. Easy to find (at least in the Northern Hemisphere in winter) and it actually looks vaguely like what it's supposed to look like. It also doesn't have all the cultural baggage associated with the various Zodiac signs, which is nice. Orion is a hunter with a dog and a club, but no visible head. What could be more manly than that? Orion also is such a snappy dresser that the Egpytians built their pyramids to line up with Orion's belt. How many wonders of the world have ever been built around any of your clothing accessories?
The interestingthing about Virgo is that it does not represent any one mythological figure. Over the ages it has represented every goddess from every culture, from Ishtar to Athena to the Virgin Mary. It can represent anyone you want it to. Sort of like God is saying "I'm going to show some love and give a quick shout out to all you lovely ladies out there on Earth..." I am not sure how a female laying on her back, hands in the air, could possibly remind anyone of a virgin. I wonder if this is one of those "born again" virgins, and she decided to take it all back after she gets dumped?
The Southern Cross
Pragmatism in action; it's in the southern hemisphere, and it's a cross. Why bother trying to convince people it's actually the picture of a huge celestial Unicorn? Of course, if we applied this to the entire sky, we'd end up with constellations like "The Great Northern Parralellogram." While the candor is refreshing, it does evoke images of some Baptist church in Mississippi, and nothing good ever came from a Baptists church in Mississippi.
Pegasus
Pegasus, the winged horse of legend, is represented in the night sky by a lopsided box. It kind of makes you lose your faith in the stories where the gods reward the noble and heroic by putting their images into the heavens."Great Job Perseus! As a reward for your heroic deeds, I shall put your image into the heavens to be gazed upoon by all!" Of course like Pegasus, this image is just a trianlge and looks nothing like what is supposed to. Way to phone it in, Zeus!
The Dippers
First off, I have a slight problem with their names. Officially, "Big Dipper" and "Little Dipper" are called "Ursa Major" and "Ursa Minor". These sound an awful lot like Ukrainian porn star names! Alternatively, "Big Bear" and "Little Bear" sound like a made for TV Disney movie, or possible even gay pet names. The awesome thing about these are that anyone can find them. Once
you find the Big Dipper, you can find the Little Dipper. Once you find that, you can find the North Star. And once you find that, you can either find your latitudinal position in the Northern Hemisphere, or start quoting Shakespear. If you are anything like me, you need to do both, and often.
Orion
Probably the best constellation. Easy to find (at least in the Northern Hemisphere in winter) and it actually looks vaguely like what it's supposed to look like. It also doesn't have all the cultural baggage associated with the various Zodiac signs, which is nice. Orion is a hunter with a dog and a club, but no visible head. What could be more manly than that? Orion also is such a snappy dresser that the Egpytians built their pyramids to line up with Orion's belt. How many wonders of the world have ever been built around any of your clothing accessories?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Vote or Die!
For those of you who wonder if your vote really counts, here are historical examples where one vote made a difference:
In 1672, one vote determined that France would declare war on the Dutch Republic. There was only one voter, and it was the king, but still…
In 1776, English became the official language of the United States, beating German by only one vote. We should all be thankful German isn’t our national language for one very important reason: spittle.
In 1845, one vote refused Texas entry into the Union, but the decision was later overturned so that the other states wouldn’t have to touch Mexico.
In 1938, one vote made Adolf Hitler Time Magazine’s "Man of the Year". OK, I lied. He won by a landslide. But then again, so did "the Hungarian Freedom Fighter". One would have to question the selection criteria used for this award.
In 1987, one vote enabled my homeroom class to have a pizza party, rather than an ice cream party. I have been gloating ever since.
In 1672, one vote determined that France would declare war on the Dutch Republic. There was only one voter, and it was the king, but still…
In 1776, English became the official language of the United States, beating German by only one vote. We should all be thankful German isn’t our national language for one very important reason: spittle.
In 1845, one vote refused Texas entry into the Union, but the decision was later overturned so that the other states wouldn’t have to touch Mexico.
In 1938, one vote made Adolf Hitler Time Magazine’s "Man of the Year". OK, I lied. He won by a landslide. But then again, so did "the Hungarian Freedom Fighter". One would have to question the selection criteria used for this award.
In 1987, one vote enabled my homeroom class to have a pizza party, rather than an ice cream party. I have been gloating ever since.
Observations from a Sci-fi fan
Aliens:
Why is it that aliens who visit earth will invariable be one of two types: They either do all they can to wipe us out or shake their head sadly and tell us how it’s just amazing we haven’t blown ourselves up due to how completely barbaric a people we are. Or, at the very least, they derive great pleasure from belittling us because we have still have incurable diseases and burn fossil fuels. Just once I’d like a spaceship to land on someone’s front lawn and bring us a tall three-headed, green-skinned creature that has always dreamed of joining us here on Earth because we the coolest race in the galaxy. Also, how is it that every alien in the galaxy has a superb mastery of the English language? I understand that the Fi in Sci-Fi means fiction, but it is kind of a stretch when the overlords of the Andromeda Galaxy can speak English better than most Americans (although admittedly, it would be very hard to do much worse!)
Humans:
Despite great advances in technology, humans of the future will invariably be really stupid. "Hey, I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I’m going to open it up and stick my hand (and/or) face in it to see what happens." "Well looky here! An alien civilization much more powerful and advanced than our own was wiped out by an even more powerful and advanced weapon/disease/unknown force… Let’s go and check it out!" "Hmm, an alien/cyborg/zombie is killing everyone on the ship with ruthless efficiency. I think I’ll wander down this dark corridor alone and check out that strange noise I heard. If I run into any trouble, I have a small caliber, slow loading weapon so I will be fine."
Why is it that aliens who visit earth will invariable be one of two types: They either do all they can to wipe us out or shake their head sadly and tell us how it’s just amazing we haven’t blown ourselves up due to how completely barbaric a people we are. Or, at the very least, they derive great pleasure from belittling us because we have still have incurable diseases and burn fossil fuels. Just once I’d like a spaceship to land on someone’s front lawn and bring us a tall three-headed, green-skinned creature that has always dreamed of joining us here on Earth because we the coolest race in the galaxy. Also, how is it that every alien in the galaxy has a superb mastery of the English language? I understand that the Fi in Sci-Fi means fiction, but it is kind of a stretch when the overlords of the Andromeda Galaxy can speak English better than most Americans (although admittedly, it would be very hard to do much worse!)
Humans:
Despite great advances in technology, humans of the future will invariably be really stupid. "Hey, I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I’m going to open it up and stick my hand (and/or) face in it to see what happens." "Well looky here! An alien civilization much more powerful and advanced than our own was wiped out by an even more powerful and advanced weapon/disease/unknown force… Let’s go and check it out!" "Hmm, an alien/cyborg/zombie is killing everyone on the ship with ruthless efficiency. I think I’ll wander down this dark corridor alone and check out that strange noise I heard. If I run into any trouble, I have a small caliber, slow loading weapon so I will be fine."
Cartoons
Scooby Doo - Does it strike anyone else as eerie that Scooby can talk? It scares the hell out of me. I mean, every time I hear him speak, I wonder.....Was Scooby the result of some madman’s blasphemous attempt at creating life? Are the ghosts he chases really the ghosts of his own inhuman mind? Do I need to get out more?
He-Man - What can I say. Tall, blond, and buff (just like me!). Here on Earth he would be stripping for tips, but on Eternia he battles deformed animal-guys and delivers homilies on the value of cooperation. Location, location, location. One more interesting note, and that is his real identity: "Prince Adam". Now that’s a porn star name if I ever heard one!
Fred Flintstone - Ahhh the Flintstones. The animated version of The Honeymooners. I personally love the old re-runs of the Honeymooners, and I love the Flintstones as well. Good ol’ Fred, the animated version of Jackie Gleason. Stubborn, prone to aggressive behavior, schizophrenic delusions (only he could see Kazoo, remember?). But anyone who can live with live-animal appliances (who will on occasion give you lip) has my undying respect.
Johnny Bravo - Whoa mamma! You can’t help but like this guy. You also can’t help but to feel sorry for him. He suffers some sort of genetic condition which has stunted the development of his lower body. He has tried to overcome this by over-developing his upper-body, but this doesn’t make up for solid leg strength. Even though Johnny holds black belts in several forms of karate-do, he is easily defeated time and time again by much weaker opponent (usually a woman that has refused his advances). But the Elvis-voiced Tiger just doesn’t give up, and that's commendable.
The Jetsons - This cartoon gives us a glimpse of the future. Most people will agree that machines will eventually rise up and destroy their human creators (usually by unleashing some sort of nuclear holocaust). In the Jetsons’ future, machines have been a bit more subtle. Conveyor belts have made walking obsolete. Robots have made any sort of manual labor obsolete. Humans are free from having to do any kind of actual work, but this has made them weak. So weak, in fact, that the canine family of animals has risen up to challenge their once invincible masters. Astro has evolved to the point where he can :
A) Speak English (with a canine accent, perhaps there is some sort of Scooby-Astro conspiracy) ,
B) Walk erect, and C) Perform a number of complex tasks (such as operate a hovercar, no doubt a complicated vehicle) that were once exclusively human activities. Only time will tell when the downfall of man is complete and canines, together with their mechanized allies, will become heir to the earth and reign over humanity.
GI JOE Where to begin on this one? As an ex Army reserve soldier, I can honestly say that my military experience was nowhere near as cool as this cartoon. Invisi-jets? They don’t exist. Hover Tanks? No such thing. Remember the Thai twins that represented the "corporate face" of Cobra? No such animal. I don’t know whether or not to feel relieved or sad.
He-Man - What can I say. Tall, blond, and buff (just like me!). Here on Earth he would be stripping for tips, but on Eternia he battles deformed animal-guys and delivers homilies on the value of cooperation. Location, location, location. One more interesting note, and that is his real identity: "Prince Adam". Now that’s a porn star name if I ever heard one!
Fred Flintstone - Ahhh the Flintstones. The animated version of The Honeymooners. I personally love the old re-runs of the Honeymooners, and I love the Flintstones as well. Good ol’ Fred, the animated version of Jackie Gleason. Stubborn, prone to aggressive behavior, schizophrenic delusions (only he could see Kazoo, remember?). But anyone who can live with live-animal appliances (who will on occasion give you lip) has my undying respect.
Johnny Bravo - Whoa mamma! You can’t help but like this guy. You also can’t help but to feel sorry for him. He suffers some sort of genetic condition which has stunted the development of his lower body. He has tried to overcome this by over-developing his upper-body, but this doesn’t make up for solid leg strength. Even though Johnny holds black belts in several forms of karate-do, he is easily defeated time and time again by much weaker opponent (usually a woman that has refused his advances). But the Elvis-voiced Tiger just doesn’t give up, and that's commendable.
The Jetsons - This cartoon gives us a glimpse of the future. Most people will agree that machines will eventually rise up and destroy their human creators (usually by unleashing some sort of nuclear holocaust). In the Jetsons’ future, machines have been a bit more subtle. Conveyor belts have made walking obsolete. Robots have made any sort of manual labor obsolete. Humans are free from having to do any kind of actual work, but this has made them weak. So weak, in fact, that the canine family of animals has risen up to challenge their once invincible masters. Astro has evolved to the point where he can :
A) Speak English (with a canine accent, perhaps there is some sort of Scooby-Astro conspiracy) ,
B) Walk erect, and C) Perform a number of complex tasks (such as operate a hovercar, no doubt a complicated vehicle) that were once exclusively human activities. Only time will tell when the downfall of man is complete and canines, together with their mechanized allies, will become heir to the earth and reign over humanity.
GI JOE Where to begin on this one? As an ex Army reserve soldier, I can honestly say that my military experience was nowhere near as cool as this cartoon. Invisi-jets? They don’t exist. Hover Tanks? No such thing. Remember the Thai twins that represented the "corporate face" of Cobra? No such animal. I don’t know whether or not to feel relieved or sad.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
College Majors
What you can do with various college majors.
Aerospace Engineering - Thats no moon! It's a space station! Mua ha ha ha ha ha!
Anthropology - You could travel to some third world country where they have never had contact with western culture, maybe never have seen anyone like you. You could set up a Pagan Idolatry with yourself as God! Wouldn't that be fun?
Art - Remember the guy who let a monkey throw a bunch of paint on a canvas? That picture sold for thousands of dollars. Who knew there would be such a market for monkey paintings?
Biochemistry - Ever wish you could create life? Maybe you can! With a knowledge of metabolic pathways and biokenetics, flying piranha no longer have to be just a dream.
Chemistry - Androstenedione and synthetic steroids will let you max your pump ,which let you impress women by dead lifting Buicks.
Elementary Education- The minds of young children, yours to mold into your own image. Hundreds of little tikes to do your evil bidding (or if your not evil ,then just regular bidding).
Liberal Arts - You're screwed. Hahaha
Nuclear Chemistry- Today we have atomic bombs with the explosive power of several megatons. (1 megaton=1 million tons of TNT) But if you are anything like me, you'll agree that we could be doing much better. Maybe something like a gigaton. Yeah, that ought to do nicely.
Oceanography - They say the sea forgives all. Not like those mean ol' Mountains, I hate them so much!
Political Science - Did somebody order a recount? As long as there are Democrats, there will be calls for vote recounts. That, and earthy gay shit.
Psychology - Brainwash! (warning : this can and does backfire).
Aerospace Engineering - Thats no moon! It's a space station! Mua ha ha ha ha ha!
Anthropology - You could travel to some third world country where they have never had contact with western culture, maybe never have seen anyone like you. You could set up a Pagan Idolatry with yourself as God! Wouldn't that be fun?
Art - Remember the guy who let a monkey throw a bunch of paint on a canvas? That picture sold for thousands of dollars. Who knew there would be such a market for monkey paintings?
Biochemistry - Ever wish you could create life? Maybe you can! With a knowledge of metabolic pathways and biokenetics, flying piranha no longer have to be just a dream.
Chemistry - Androstenedione and synthetic steroids will let you max your pump ,which let you impress women by dead lifting Buicks.
Elementary Education- The minds of young children, yours to mold into your own image. Hundreds of little tikes to do your evil bidding (or if your not evil ,then just regular bidding).
Liberal Arts - You're screwed. Hahaha
Nuclear Chemistry- Today we have atomic bombs with the explosive power of several megatons. (1 megaton=1 million tons of TNT) But if you are anything like me, you'll agree that we could be doing much better. Maybe something like a gigaton. Yeah, that ought to do nicely.
Oceanography - They say the sea forgives all. Not like those mean ol' Mountains, I hate them so much!
Political Science - Did somebody order a recount? As long as there are Democrats, there will be calls for vote recounts. That, and earthy gay shit.
Psychology - Brainwash! (warning : this can and does backfire).
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Kingdom of the Blind
Organic Foods
I have no idea why all natural, organic foods have become so popular .What does organic mean? I mean, a giant pile of shit is organic. Radioactive Uranium is all natural, since it occurs in nature. Not only are these foods expensive and nasty looking, but you can’t even walk into an “all natural foods” store without some gnarly dude in dreadlocks or chick with hairy legs lamenting how the Counting Crows used to be awesome before they “sold out" to the corporate machine. I will agree that the less chemical pesticide runoff, the better….but since using chemicals to keep pests away is the only way to grow apples that DON’T resemble an aborted fetus, then I say break out the dicholoro ethyl nitrate and go to town!
Carbon Credits
I considered bottled water the ultimate marketing coup until I found out people actually paid for carbon credits. Why would anyone pay for tap water in a cheap bottle that melts if you leave it in the sun too long? But at least you got an actual, tangible thing. When you buy carbon credits, you get absolutely nothing, Nothing!! You are paying God knows who so you can feel better about having a sasquatch-sized carbon footprint. I remember when the smug sense of self satisfaction was not only free, but actually WORTH having! I’ll let you in a secret….There is a much easier way to feel better about yourself. Simply do what I do and pick a fight with a homeless bum (preferably one who is much smaller than you). It works like a charm. Except for the time the bum was actually a down and out welterweight boxer, that made me feel much, much worse.
Grunge Music
This trend pretty much died out in the late 90’s in an event most historians will call “shitty music being replaced by even shittier music”. I really don’t know where all the angst came from, either. Maybe Kurt Cobain was stuck on I-5 in rush hour, but found a profitable, if somewhat annoying, outlet for his frustration. However, my outlet for rush hour frustration has so far been to find interesting ways to convey the message “Go f*ck yourself” to the idiot drivers who cut me off. And you know what? That is still better than endlessly repeating guitar riffs and incomprehensible lyrics.
Coffee
Seattle is supposedly known for great coffee. No, it isn’t actually grown here; the companies who import it are here. I personally can’t stand the stuff but everyone swears that coffee is great, and in Seattle it’s even better. I can’t speak from any kind of experience on the subject. It’s like someone telling you that not all dog shit is the same, and that blended gourmet dog shit with steamed milk is not only good, it’s better in certain geographic locations. That would make Seattle the dog shit capitol, and we all know that dog shit is 100% all natural. Nothing artificial there. Which anyone will tell you is always a good thing.
Yoga
Make no mistake about it, yoga is nothing more than stretching. How it got categorized as an exercise is beyond me. There is no sweating or physical exertion of any kind…which is a shame, since the only people who ever do yoga are hot women. It is supposed to “center” you, whatever the hell that means. They even have “power yoga”, although it’s just stretching a little harder. Adding the word “power” doesn’t make it any more of an exercise than it did to power naps. These are sad times when hot women engaged in an activity that is prefixed with “power” is incredibly dull. Sad times indeed.
I have no idea why all natural, organic foods have become so popular .What does organic mean? I mean, a giant pile of shit is organic. Radioactive Uranium is all natural, since it occurs in nature. Not only are these foods expensive and nasty looking, but you can’t even walk into an “all natural foods” store without some gnarly dude in dreadlocks or chick with hairy legs lamenting how the Counting Crows used to be awesome before they “sold out" to the corporate machine. I will agree that the less chemical pesticide runoff, the better….but since using chemicals to keep pests away is the only way to grow apples that DON’T resemble an aborted fetus, then I say break out the dicholoro ethyl nitrate and go to town!
Carbon Credits
I considered bottled water the ultimate marketing coup until I found out people actually paid for carbon credits. Why would anyone pay for tap water in a cheap bottle that melts if you leave it in the sun too long? But at least you got an actual, tangible thing. When you buy carbon credits, you get absolutely nothing, Nothing!! You are paying God knows who so you can feel better about having a sasquatch-sized carbon footprint. I remember when the smug sense of self satisfaction was not only free, but actually WORTH having! I’ll let you in a secret….There is a much easier way to feel better about yourself. Simply do what I do and pick a fight with a homeless bum (preferably one who is much smaller than you). It works like a charm. Except for the time the bum was actually a down and out welterweight boxer, that made me feel much, much worse.
Grunge Music
This trend pretty much died out in the late 90’s in an event most historians will call “shitty music being replaced by even shittier music”. I really don’t know where all the angst came from, either. Maybe Kurt Cobain was stuck on I-5 in rush hour, but found a profitable, if somewhat annoying, outlet for his frustration. However, my outlet for rush hour frustration has so far been to find interesting ways to convey the message “Go f*ck yourself” to the idiot drivers who cut me off. And you know what? That is still better than endlessly repeating guitar riffs and incomprehensible lyrics.
Coffee
Seattle is supposedly known for great coffee. No, it isn’t actually grown here; the companies who import it are here. I personally can’t stand the stuff but everyone swears that coffee is great, and in Seattle it’s even better. I can’t speak from any kind of experience on the subject. It’s like someone telling you that not all dog shit is the same, and that blended gourmet dog shit with steamed milk is not only good, it’s better in certain geographic locations. That would make Seattle the dog shit capitol, and we all know that dog shit is 100% all natural. Nothing artificial there. Which anyone will tell you is always a good thing.
Yoga
Make no mistake about it, yoga is nothing more than stretching. How it got categorized as an exercise is beyond me. There is no sweating or physical exertion of any kind…which is a shame, since the only people who ever do yoga are hot women. It is supposed to “center” you, whatever the hell that means. They even have “power yoga”, although it’s just stretching a little harder. Adding the word “power” doesn’t make it any more of an exercise than it did to power naps. These are sad times when hot women engaged in an activity that is prefixed with “power” is incredibly dull. Sad times indeed.
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