Musicians who changed their name

MC Hammer
Stanley Kirk Burrell, aka M.C. Hammer, Hammer, or Hammertime. His decrease in popularity was directly proportional to the number of times he changed his name. Hammer may have been too legit to quit; but not, apparently, too legit to pitch British Knights shoes. Fame is a fickle bitch, and we can all learn a very important lesson from Hammertime…no matter where you are in life, it never hurts to have a diversified investment portfolio.

Prince
Prince Rogers Nelson, aka the artist formerly known as popular. He changed his name to a symbol which bears a canny resemblance to the path that positrons take in a high-speed nuclear impact, or, for the less educated, the hobo sign for danger. This guy was just weird for the sake of weird; there must have been some kind of brain disease going around in the 90’s… one that made people think the “Macarena” was cool and caused Madonna to charge $50 for shitty self indulgent soft-core porn.

P. Diddy
Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka P. Diddy…is just the latest in a long line of famous Puffs, following in the footsteps of such trailblazers as: Puff the Magic Dragon, HR Puff’n’Stuff, the Powder Puff girls, and the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man. And just like his predecessors, he helped make the name “Puff” socially acceptable for everyone, not just the gay community.

Chris Gaines
Garth Brooks didn’t really change his name so much as he created an entire new persona. And when I say he created a persona, I mean he put on a wig and played shitty songs. I’m not even kidding, they were pure grade A horse shit! I have to wonder, though, how often the double-identity trick is used in the recording industry? Maybe Pete Townshend was really just Peter Frampton with a wig? Perhaps Alice Cooper hit his head on the toilet, but instead of envisioning the flux capacitor, he slurred his speech and became Ozzy Osborne? At any rate, I count anything that gets Garth to stop singing about lighthouses and high school football as a win.

Take my advice...

Various tidbits of advice I was given througout my life.

“Always wear a condom”
–Nancy smith, Health Teacher
It took a while for me to figure out she meant to do this only while having sex.

“Aim for the head, always assume he’s wearing a vest.”
– Derrick McIntyre, Army drill sergeant
Extremely useful or completely worthless, depending on which side of town you live.

“Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear, well he eats you. "
– The Big Lebowski
As far as I’m concerned, the zen-like wisdom of The Dude has rendered the Tao Te Ching completely obsolete.

“Wear Sunscreen”
– Baz Luhrman, director
The long term benefits of wearing sunscreen are well documented.

“The key to avoiding hangovers is to keep drinking”
–David Thoma, college buddy
This actually works....sorta.

“This ‘Wine for Dummies’ book will answer all your questions”
– Sandra Levitt, wine store owner
I like being a dummy....it means I can buy a $4 bottle of wine with a cartoon character on the label and not think there is anything wrong with that.