Kingdom of the Blind

Organic Foods
I have no idea why all natural, organic foods have become so popular .What does organic mean? I mean, a giant pile of shit is organic. Radioactive Uranium is all natural, since it occurs in nature. Not only are these foods expensive and nasty looking, but you can’t even walk into an “all natural foods” store without some gnarly dude in dreadlocks or chick with hairy legs lamenting how the Counting Crows used to be awesome before they “sold out" to the corporate machine. I will agree that the less chemical pesticide runoff, the better….but since using chemicals to keep pests away is the only way to grow apples that DON’T resemble an aborted fetus, then I say break out the dicholoro ethyl nitrate and go to town!

Carbon Credits
I considered bottled water the ultimate marketing coup until I found out people actually paid for carbon credits. Why would anyone pay for tap water in a cheap bottle that melts if you leave it in the sun too long? But at least you got an actual, tangible thing. When you buy carbon credits, you get absolutely nothing, Nothing!! You are paying God knows who so you can feel better about having a sasquatch-sized carbon footprint. I remember when the smug sense of self satisfaction was not only free, but actually WORTH having! I’ll let you in a secret….There is a much easier way to feel better about yourself. Simply do what I do and pick a fight with a homeless bum (preferably one who is much smaller than you). It works like a charm. Except for the time the bum was actually a down and out welterweight boxer, that made me feel much, much worse.

Grunge Music
This trend pretty much died out in the late 90’s in an event most historians will call “shitty music being replaced by even shittier music”. I really don’t know where all the angst came from, either. Maybe Kurt Cobain was stuck on I-5 in rush hour, but found a profitable, if somewhat annoying, outlet for his frustration. However, my outlet for rush hour frustration has so far been to find interesting ways to convey the message “Go f*ck yourself” to the idiot drivers who cut me off. And you know what? That is still better than endlessly repeating guitar riffs and incomprehensible lyrics.

Coffee
Seattle is supposedly known for great coffee. No, it isn’t actually grown here; the companies who import it are here. I personally can’t stand the stuff but everyone swears that coffee is great, and in Seattle it’s even better. I can’t speak from any kind of experience on the subject. It’s like someone telling you that not all dog shit is the same, and that blended gourmet dog shit with steamed milk is not only good, it’s better in certain geographic locations. That would make Seattle the dog shit capitol, and we all know that dog shit is 100% all natural. Nothing artificial there. Which anyone will tell you is always a good thing.

Yoga
Make no mistake about it, yoga is nothing more than stretching. How it got categorized as an exercise is beyond me. There is no sweating or physical exertion of any kind…which is a shame, since the only people who ever do yoga are hot women. It is supposed to “center” you, whatever the hell that means. They even have “power yoga”, although it’s just stretching a little harder. Adding the word “power” doesn’t make it any more of an exercise than it did to power naps. These are sad times when hot women engaged in an activity that is prefixed with “power” is incredibly dull. Sad times indeed.