George Washington
Not many people could lead an army while wearing a wig. Fewer still could do so and become president. First in both war and peace, ol’ George once bluffed the British (who both outnumbered and out gunned him) into surrendering a battle without firing a shot. Imagine playing poker with him! After he became president, he told our...God I feel dirty saying this.....French allies (shudder) to go fuck themselves. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why this has NOT become a tradition for every president since...Imagine if it was part of the presidential oath! "I do solemnly swear, that the French are a bunch of cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys, and that they can go fuck themselves! So help me God!"
Theodore Roosevelt
The best president by far. During his lifetime, he was a cowboy, explorer, war hero (he won the Congressional Medal of Honor), Nobel peace prize winner, martial artists (he studied judo), and President. The only reason he wasn’t an astronaut is that Spaceflight had not been invented yet. While I have nothing against Washington, Lincoln, or Jefferson, I think Mt. Rushmore should be one giant statue of Roosevelt. And not just standing there either, he should be playing guitar while making out with a hot NFL cheerleader. Because that is TOTALLY what he would be doing if he were alive today! Rock on, Teddy!
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Despite having the nerdiest first name of any president (with the possible exception of Grover Cleveland), Ike really made this country what it is today. We can thank him for a successful invasion of Normandy (and ultimately, our victory over Nazi Germany),the interstate highway system, and the first civil rights bills. His warning about the "military-industrial complex" was more than a bit unsettling though. Just like the way hot dogs are made, there are some things we’re better off not knowing.
Jimmy Carter
Carter was a homespun southern democrat, complete with Southern drawl, which gave him all the credibility of a Countrytime Iced Tea spokesman. His presidency oversaw the reprehensible handling of the Iranian hostage crisis, and gave millions of dollars to aid the the Afghan mujahadeen (talk about your all time backfires!) To his credit, he did negotiate a peace deal between Israel and Egypt, and by "negotiate" I mean he showed up. What everyone probably remembers most, however, is "Billy Beer"....this God-awful tasting beer brewed by his brother, Billy. I would be embarrassed if the most memorable aspect of my presidency was some shitty beer my redneck brother was hawking. But anyone who has been to Georgia can see, embarrassment is a completely foreign concept.
George W. Bush
Good god, where do I begin? His controversial presidency started off amidst rumors of ballot scandal in my former home, Palm Beach County, FL. "Hanging Chad" sounds an awful lot like a developmentally challenged 4th grader who thinks he is a monkey... And while Bush showed a tremendous leadership following Sept. 11, he showed the world how NOT to run a war with the invasion of Iraq. "Shock and Awe" was more like "Shock and Aw, shucks"! I am not sure who is a bigger slacker... Dub-ya, with an “C” average Ivy League history degree and the lowest acceptable passing score at flight school; or this guy I knew in college whose entire life's goal was to own all of Buffy on DVD, and he already had the first season.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Culture Club
American
The first Americans thought it was perfectly ok to shoot people in the head so they wouldn’t have to pay tax on breakfast tea. Points for style, but that might be pushing it a bit. We won our independence by fighting an insurgency against the largest, most well trained military on Earth. This was the very same military that would have lost both World Wars if not for our help. Stupid Limey Brits! USA! USA! WE’RE 1! Woohoo! And we still don’t pay tea tax!
Latin American
The various Latin countries are, at best, a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they give us cocaine, malaria, and bloody civil wars waged by despotic dictators. But on the other hand, they also give us Brazilian waxes, top quality Cigars, and festive hats. You could also include soccer, as either good or bad, depending on your feelings towards effeminate men and/or masculine women (as the case may be).
Islamic
These boys just ain’t right. No pork. No alcohol. No looking at, talking to, or even thinking about women…it is strictly forbidden. I can understand that alcohol that can cause liver damage and women can be annoying as hell sometimes, probably even more so in 115 degree heat…..so I’ll give them that. But denying yourself the delicious goodness of Carolina-style BBQ, hickory smoked to perfection? No sir, these boys just ain’t right at all.
Japanese
You can’t help but admire any culture that gives you cute cartoon creatures and fully grown women in schoolgirl skirts. The world needs more of both, as far as I’m concerned. This is also the birthplace of both Samurai's AND Nintendo!! When you consider all the good things Japan has given the world, it’s very hard to get mad at them when they are driving 20mph below the speed limit in the fast line with their turn signal on.
Russian
Russians generally come in one of two types: functioning alcoholics and non-functioning alcoholics. Considering that native Russian cuisine is about as appetizing as Eukanuba, it’s not hard to understand that Vodka would be the preferred source of caloric intake. And if James Bond movies are to be believed (and I see no reason they shouldn’t), Russians are fun loving (hello, Bond Girls with Slavic accents!) and fairly harmless, with every single doomsday device they ever having such shoddy workmanship that even Hyundai wouldn't touch them.
The first Americans thought it was perfectly ok to shoot people in the head so they wouldn’t have to pay tax on breakfast tea. Points for style, but that might be pushing it a bit. We won our independence by fighting an insurgency against the largest, most well trained military on Earth. This was the very same military that would have lost both World Wars if not for our help. Stupid Limey Brits! USA! USA! WE’RE 1! Woohoo! And we still don’t pay tea tax!
Latin American
The various Latin countries are, at best, a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they give us cocaine, malaria, and bloody civil wars waged by despotic dictators. But on the other hand, they also give us Brazilian waxes, top quality Cigars, and festive hats. You could also include soccer, as either good or bad, depending on your feelings towards effeminate men and/or masculine women (as the case may be).
Islamic
These boys just ain’t right. No pork. No alcohol. No looking at, talking to, or even thinking about women…it is strictly forbidden. I can understand that alcohol that can cause liver damage and women can be annoying as hell sometimes, probably even more so in 115 degree heat…..so I’ll give them that. But denying yourself the delicious goodness of Carolina-style BBQ, hickory smoked to perfection? No sir, these boys just ain’t right at all.
Japanese
You can’t help but admire any culture that gives you cute cartoon creatures and fully grown women in schoolgirl skirts. The world needs more of both, as far as I’m concerned. This is also the birthplace of both Samurai's AND Nintendo!! When you consider all the good things Japan has given the world, it’s very hard to get mad at them when they are driving 20mph below the speed limit in the fast line with their turn signal on.
Russian
Russians generally come in one of two types: functioning alcoholics and non-functioning alcoholics. Considering that native Russian cuisine is about as appetizing as Eukanuba, it’s not hard to understand that Vodka would be the preferred source of caloric intake. And if James Bond movies are to be believed (and I see no reason they shouldn’t), Russians are fun loving (hello, Bond Girls with Slavic accents!) and fairly harmless, with every single doomsday device they ever having such shoddy workmanship that even Hyundai wouldn't touch them.
Look upward, and share the wonders I have seen
Virgo
The interestingthing about Virgo is that it does not represent any one mythological figure. Over the ages it has represented every goddess from every culture, from Ishtar to Athena to the Virgin Mary. It can represent anyone you want it to. Sort of like God is saying "I'm going to show some love and give a quick shout out to all you lovely ladies out there on Earth..." I am not sure how a female laying on her back, hands in the air, could possibly remind anyone of a virgin. I wonder if this is one of those "born again" virgins, and she decided to take it all back after she gets dumped?
The Southern Cross
Pragmatism in action; it's in the southern hemisphere, and it's a cross. Why bother trying to convince people it's actually the picture of a huge celestial Unicorn? Of course, if we applied this to the entire sky, we'd end up with constellations like "The Great Northern Parralellogram." While the candor is refreshing, it does evoke images of some Baptist church in Mississippi, and nothing good ever came from a Baptists church in Mississippi.
Pegasus
Pegasus, the winged horse of legend, is represented in the night sky by a lopsided box. It kind of makes you lose your faith in the stories where the gods reward the noble and heroic by putting their images into the heavens."Great Job Perseus! As a reward for your heroic deeds, I shall put your image into the heavens to be gazed upoon by all!" Of course like Pegasus, this image is just a trianlge and looks nothing like what is supposed to. Way to phone it in, Zeus!
The Dippers
First off, I have a slight problem with their names. Officially, "Big Dipper" and "Little Dipper" are called "Ursa Major" and "Ursa Minor". These sound an awful lot like Ukrainian porn star names! Alternatively, "Big Bear" and "Little Bear" sound like a made for TV Disney movie, or possible even gay pet names. The awesome thing about these are that anyone can find them. Once
you find the Big Dipper, you can find the Little Dipper. Once you find that, you can find the North Star. And once you find that, you can either find your latitudinal position in the Northern Hemisphere, or start quoting Shakespear. If you are anything like me, you need to do both, and often.
Orion
Probably the best constellation. Easy to find (at least in the Northern Hemisphere in winter) and it actually looks vaguely like what it's supposed to look like. It also doesn't have all the cultural baggage associated with the various Zodiac signs, which is nice. Orion is a hunter with a dog and a club, but no visible head. What could be more manly than that? Orion also is such a snappy dresser that the Egpytians built their pyramids to line up with Orion's belt. How many wonders of the world have ever been built around any of your clothing accessories?
The interestingthing about Virgo is that it does not represent any one mythological figure. Over the ages it has represented every goddess from every culture, from Ishtar to Athena to the Virgin Mary. It can represent anyone you want it to. Sort of like God is saying "I'm going to show some love and give a quick shout out to all you lovely ladies out there on Earth..." I am not sure how a female laying on her back, hands in the air, could possibly remind anyone of a virgin. I wonder if this is one of those "born again" virgins, and she decided to take it all back after she gets dumped?
The Southern Cross
Pragmatism in action; it's in the southern hemisphere, and it's a cross. Why bother trying to convince people it's actually the picture of a huge celestial Unicorn? Of course, if we applied this to the entire sky, we'd end up with constellations like "The Great Northern Parralellogram." While the candor is refreshing, it does evoke images of some Baptist church in Mississippi, and nothing good ever came from a Baptists church in Mississippi.
Pegasus
Pegasus, the winged horse of legend, is represented in the night sky by a lopsided box. It kind of makes you lose your faith in the stories where the gods reward the noble and heroic by putting their images into the heavens."Great Job Perseus! As a reward for your heroic deeds, I shall put your image into the heavens to be gazed upoon by all!" Of course like Pegasus, this image is just a trianlge and looks nothing like what is supposed to. Way to phone it in, Zeus!
The Dippers
First off, I have a slight problem with their names. Officially, "Big Dipper" and "Little Dipper" are called "Ursa Major" and "Ursa Minor". These sound an awful lot like Ukrainian porn star names! Alternatively, "Big Bear" and "Little Bear" sound like a made for TV Disney movie, or possible even gay pet names. The awesome thing about these are that anyone can find them. Once
you find the Big Dipper, you can find the Little Dipper. Once you find that, you can find the North Star. And once you find that, you can either find your latitudinal position in the Northern Hemisphere, or start quoting Shakespear. If you are anything like me, you need to do both, and often.
Orion
Probably the best constellation. Easy to find (at least in the Northern Hemisphere in winter) and it actually looks vaguely like what it's supposed to look like. It also doesn't have all the cultural baggage associated with the various Zodiac signs, which is nice. Orion is a hunter with a dog and a club, but no visible head. What could be more manly than that? Orion also is such a snappy dresser that the Egpytians built their pyramids to line up with Orion's belt. How many wonders of the world have ever been built around any of your clothing accessories?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Vote or Die!
For those of you who wonder if your vote really counts, here are historical examples where one vote made a difference:
In 1672, one vote determined that France would declare war on the Dutch Republic. There was only one voter, and it was the king, but still…
In 1776, English became the official language of the United States, beating German by only one vote. We should all be thankful German isn’t our national language for one very important reason: spittle.
In 1845, one vote refused Texas entry into the Union, but the decision was later overturned so that the other states wouldn’t have to touch Mexico.
In 1938, one vote made Adolf Hitler Time Magazine’s "Man of the Year". OK, I lied. He won by a landslide. But then again, so did "the Hungarian Freedom Fighter". One would have to question the selection criteria used for this award.
In 1987, one vote enabled my homeroom class to have a pizza party, rather than an ice cream party. I have been gloating ever since.
In 1672, one vote determined that France would declare war on the Dutch Republic. There was only one voter, and it was the king, but still…
In 1776, English became the official language of the United States, beating German by only one vote. We should all be thankful German isn’t our national language for one very important reason: spittle.
In 1845, one vote refused Texas entry into the Union, but the decision was later overturned so that the other states wouldn’t have to touch Mexico.
In 1938, one vote made Adolf Hitler Time Magazine’s "Man of the Year". OK, I lied. He won by a landslide. But then again, so did "the Hungarian Freedom Fighter". One would have to question the selection criteria used for this award.
In 1987, one vote enabled my homeroom class to have a pizza party, rather than an ice cream party. I have been gloating ever since.
Observations from a Sci-fi fan
Aliens:
Why is it that aliens who visit earth will invariable be one of two types: They either do all they can to wipe us out or shake their head sadly and tell us how it’s just amazing we haven’t blown ourselves up due to how completely barbaric a people we are. Or, at the very least, they derive great pleasure from belittling us because we have still have incurable diseases and burn fossil fuels. Just once I’d like a spaceship to land on someone’s front lawn and bring us a tall three-headed, green-skinned creature that has always dreamed of joining us here on Earth because we the coolest race in the galaxy. Also, how is it that every alien in the galaxy has a superb mastery of the English language? I understand that the Fi in Sci-Fi means fiction, but it is kind of a stretch when the overlords of the Andromeda Galaxy can speak English better than most Americans (although admittedly, it would be very hard to do much worse!)
Humans:
Despite great advances in technology, humans of the future will invariably be really stupid. "Hey, I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I’m going to open it up and stick my hand (and/or) face in it to see what happens." "Well looky here! An alien civilization much more powerful and advanced than our own was wiped out by an even more powerful and advanced weapon/disease/unknown force… Let’s go and check it out!" "Hmm, an alien/cyborg/zombie is killing everyone on the ship with ruthless efficiency. I think I’ll wander down this dark corridor alone and check out that strange noise I heard. If I run into any trouble, I have a small caliber, slow loading weapon so I will be fine."
Why is it that aliens who visit earth will invariable be one of two types: They either do all they can to wipe us out or shake their head sadly and tell us how it’s just amazing we haven’t blown ourselves up due to how completely barbaric a people we are. Or, at the very least, they derive great pleasure from belittling us because we have still have incurable diseases and burn fossil fuels. Just once I’d like a spaceship to land on someone’s front lawn and bring us a tall three-headed, green-skinned creature that has always dreamed of joining us here on Earth because we the coolest race in the galaxy. Also, how is it that every alien in the galaxy has a superb mastery of the English language? I understand that the Fi in Sci-Fi means fiction, but it is kind of a stretch when the overlords of the Andromeda Galaxy can speak English better than most Americans (although admittedly, it would be very hard to do much worse!)
Humans:
Despite great advances in technology, humans of the future will invariably be really stupid. "Hey, I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I’m going to open it up and stick my hand (and/or) face in it to see what happens." "Well looky here! An alien civilization much more powerful and advanced than our own was wiped out by an even more powerful and advanced weapon/disease/unknown force… Let’s go and check it out!" "Hmm, an alien/cyborg/zombie is killing everyone on the ship with ruthless efficiency. I think I’ll wander down this dark corridor alone and check out that strange noise I heard. If I run into any trouble, I have a small caliber, slow loading weapon so I will be fine."
Cartoons
Scooby Doo - Does it strike anyone else as eerie that Scooby can talk? It scares the hell out of me. I mean, every time I hear him speak, I wonder.....Was Scooby the result of some madman’s blasphemous attempt at creating life? Are the ghosts he chases really the ghosts of his own inhuman mind? Do I need to get out more?
He-Man - What can I say. Tall, blond, and buff (just like me!). Here on Earth he would be stripping for tips, but on Eternia he battles deformed animal-guys and delivers homilies on the value of cooperation. Location, location, location. One more interesting note, and that is his real identity: "Prince Adam". Now that’s a porn star name if I ever heard one!
Fred Flintstone - Ahhh the Flintstones. The animated version of The Honeymooners. I personally love the old re-runs of the Honeymooners, and I love the Flintstones as well. Good ol’ Fred, the animated version of Jackie Gleason. Stubborn, prone to aggressive behavior, schizophrenic delusions (only he could see Kazoo, remember?). But anyone who can live with live-animal appliances (who will on occasion give you lip) has my undying respect.
Johnny Bravo - Whoa mamma! You can’t help but like this guy. You also can’t help but to feel sorry for him. He suffers some sort of genetic condition which has stunted the development of his lower body. He has tried to overcome this by over-developing his upper-body, but this doesn’t make up for solid leg strength. Even though Johnny holds black belts in several forms of karate-do, he is easily defeated time and time again by much weaker opponent (usually a woman that has refused his advances). But the Elvis-voiced Tiger just doesn’t give up, and that's commendable.
The Jetsons - This cartoon gives us a glimpse of the future. Most people will agree that machines will eventually rise up and destroy their human creators (usually by unleashing some sort of nuclear holocaust). In the Jetsons’ future, machines have been a bit more subtle. Conveyor belts have made walking obsolete. Robots have made any sort of manual labor obsolete. Humans are free from having to do any kind of actual work, but this has made them weak. So weak, in fact, that the canine family of animals has risen up to challenge their once invincible masters. Astro has evolved to the point where he can :
A) Speak English (with a canine accent, perhaps there is some sort of Scooby-Astro conspiracy) ,
B) Walk erect, and C) Perform a number of complex tasks (such as operate a hovercar, no doubt a complicated vehicle) that were once exclusively human activities. Only time will tell when the downfall of man is complete and canines, together with their mechanized allies, will become heir to the earth and reign over humanity.
GI JOE Where to begin on this one? As an ex Army reserve soldier, I can honestly say that my military experience was nowhere near as cool as this cartoon. Invisi-jets? They don’t exist. Hover Tanks? No such thing. Remember the Thai twins that represented the "corporate face" of Cobra? No such animal. I don’t know whether or not to feel relieved or sad.
He-Man - What can I say. Tall, blond, and buff (just like me!). Here on Earth he would be stripping for tips, but on Eternia he battles deformed animal-guys and delivers homilies on the value of cooperation. Location, location, location. One more interesting note, and that is his real identity: "Prince Adam". Now that’s a porn star name if I ever heard one!
Fred Flintstone - Ahhh the Flintstones. The animated version of The Honeymooners. I personally love the old re-runs of the Honeymooners, and I love the Flintstones as well. Good ol’ Fred, the animated version of Jackie Gleason. Stubborn, prone to aggressive behavior, schizophrenic delusions (only he could see Kazoo, remember?). But anyone who can live with live-animal appliances (who will on occasion give you lip) has my undying respect.
Johnny Bravo - Whoa mamma! You can’t help but like this guy. You also can’t help but to feel sorry for him. He suffers some sort of genetic condition which has stunted the development of his lower body. He has tried to overcome this by over-developing his upper-body, but this doesn’t make up for solid leg strength. Even though Johnny holds black belts in several forms of karate-do, he is easily defeated time and time again by much weaker opponent (usually a woman that has refused his advances). But the Elvis-voiced Tiger just doesn’t give up, and that's commendable.
The Jetsons - This cartoon gives us a glimpse of the future. Most people will agree that machines will eventually rise up and destroy their human creators (usually by unleashing some sort of nuclear holocaust). In the Jetsons’ future, machines have been a bit more subtle. Conveyor belts have made walking obsolete. Robots have made any sort of manual labor obsolete. Humans are free from having to do any kind of actual work, but this has made them weak. So weak, in fact, that the canine family of animals has risen up to challenge their once invincible masters. Astro has evolved to the point where he can :
A) Speak English (with a canine accent, perhaps there is some sort of Scooby-Astro conspiracy) ,
B) Walk erect, and C) Perform a number of complex tasks (such as operate a hovercar, no doubt a complicated vehicle) that were once exclusively human activities. Only time will tell when the downfall of man is complete and canines, together with their mechanized allies, will become heir to the earth and reign over humanity.
GI JOE Where to begin on this one? As an ex Army reserve soldier, I can honestly say that my military experience was nowhere near as cool as this cartoon. Invisi-jets? They don’t exist. Hover Tanks? No such thing. Remember the Thai twins that represented the "corporate face" of Cobra? No such animal. I don’t know whether or not to feel relieved or sad.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
College Majors
What you can do with various college majors.
Aerospace Engineering - Thats no moon! It's a space station! Mua ha ha ha ha ha!
Anthropology - You could travel to some third world country where they have never had contact with western culture, maybe never have seen anyone like you. You could set up a Pagan Idolatry with yourself as God! Wouldn't that be fun?
Art - Remember the guy who let a monkey throw a bunch of paint on a canvas? That picture sold for thousands of dollars. Who knew there would be such a market for monkey paintings?
Biochemistry - Ever wish you could create life? Maybe you can! With a knowledge of metabolic pathways and biokenetics, flying piranha no longer have to be just a dream.
Chemistry - Androstenedione and synthetic steroids will let you max your pump ,which let you impress women by dead lifting Buicks.
Elementary Education- The minds of young children, yours to mold into your own image. Hundreds of little tikes to do your evil bidding (or if your not evil ,then just regular bidding).
Liberal Arts - You're screwed. Hahaha
Nuclear Chemistry- Today we have atomic bombs with the explosive power of several megatons. (1 megaton=1 million tons of TNT) But if you are anything like me, you'll agree that we could be doing much better. Maybe something like a gigaton. Yeah, that ought to do nicely.
Oceanography - They say the sea forgives all. Not like those mean ol' Mountains, I hate them so much!
Political Science - Did somebody order a recount? As long as there are Democrats, there will be calls for vote recounts. That, and earthy gay shit.
Psychology - Brainwash! (warning : this can and does backfire).
Aerospace Engineering - Thats no moon! It's a space station! Mua ha ha ha ha ha!
Anthropology - You could travel to some third world country where they have never had contact with western culture, maybe never have seen anyone like you. You could set up a Pagan Idolatry with yourself as God! Wouldn't that be fun?
Art - Remember the guy who let a monkey throw a bunch of paint on a canvas? That picture sold for thousands of dollars. Who knew there would be such a market for monkey paintings?
Biochemistry - Ever wish you could create life? Maybe you can! With a knowledge of metabolic pathways and biokenetics, flying piranha no longer have to be just a dream.
Chemistry - Androstenedione and synthetic steroids will let you max your pump ,which let you impress women by dead lifting Buicks.
Elementary Education- The minds of young children, yours to mold into your own image. Hundreds of little tikes to do your evil bidding (or if your not evil ,then just regular bidding).
Liberal Arts - You're screwed. Hahaha
Nuclear Chemistry- Today we have atomic bombs with the explosive power of several megatons. (1 megaton=1 million tons of TNT) But if you are anything like me, you'll agree that we could be doing much better. Maybe something like a gigaton. Yeah, that ought to do nicely.
Oceanography - They say the sea forgives all. Not like those mean ol' Mountains, I hate them so much!
Political Science - Did somebody order a recount? As long as there are Democrats, there will be calls for vote recounts. That, and earthy gay shit.
Psychology - Brainwash! (warning : this can and does backfire).
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